Telling the truth
When asked for my highest value, my answer is always honesty. There is nothing anyone could do to convince me that a lie, white or otherwise, is a good idea. Without it, I have no trust with my Self, or anyone else.
It probably begins when we get away with our first lie to our parents. Well, we think we've got away with it - that they have no idea that we lied. My son said to me last night "you don't know every time I get away with it" and I replied, "maybe not, but there are times when I don't call you out on a lie because I'd feel a bit sick calling you a liar and I feel sad that you have chosen to lie to me because I know the impact it has on trust between us"
(He then when on to share his belief that lying is part of being a kid - but that's another story)
After getting away with a lie a few times, we start to gain confidence that, hey!, perhaps this is something I am able to do, and perhaps it's not so harmless ... I mean no one got hurt, I avoided getting in trouble, what they don't know won't hurt them. Those new beliefs and that new found confidence leads to more lying.
No matter how it get's justified in our minds, what I said to my son still stands: people don't want to have to point out our lies to us, so often they don't. We think they don't know we have lied, but they do.
And when they know or simply feel that we have not told them the truth (no matter what age), there is an impact on the relationship between us because the trust is broken.
When it comes down to it, lying is a method of avoiding life.
We lie to others under the guise of protecting them, when, really, we are protecting ourselves from having real conversations or from what we imagine is potential conflict.
We lie to ourselves with the justification that we are "being positive" or giving the benefit of the doubt, or blaming someone else: we are protecting ourselves from internal conflict or the need to take action that may be challenging or difficult. Oftentimes, we are also avoiding having to name our feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment to our Self.
When we lie, we abandon our Self and our connection to life (in all its challenges and realness) in favour of self-protection.
We feel safer there in the short term, but it leads to long-term disconnection between our Selves, and in our relationships with others.
I am not saying this is an easy value to honour - although like with anything, it gets easier with practice. I do know that it makes life easier on the whole. While there are moments when I would love to justify a white lie to protect others, if someone is asking me for honesty, I cannot justify providing otherwise.
Have you surrounded yourself with protectors? How might you be willing to take a step closer to living your value of honesty?
Sarah xx