Shut them down or reach back ... a choice

The topic of the "shut down" came up again today - as it does in most therapy sessions. 

There is huge support in many cultures for the shut down: it comes in the form of "suck it up", "tough it out", "it's only 3 months, it will be over before you know it", "there are other's worse off than you", "imagine if it was (insert worse scenario here)" and so on. 

We think we are helping. Our intentions are to somehow reduce the other person's anxiety or concern around a life event they are dreading or worried about.  We don't know what else to say so we trot out the standard lines about life and how you just have to get on with it. And there is, for sure, a place for the idea of accepting what IS and getting on with life. 

But when there are fears, anxiety, emotions we can't even name around the event we are sharing with others, we want to be heard in our worry.  We want someone else to see that inspite of us "getting on with it", we are disappointed, or scared, or overwhelmed, or confused, or terrified, or sad. 

When they say "suck it up", we are reminded not to share, not to be vulnerable and above all, don't be human and show our feelings. As a result, we add isolation to our list of feelings, we hide our true selves away, we pretend, we hold in, we hold on. We can do this for a while ... but years of it takes its toll. 

For some, its years and years and years of holding it in, hiding it away ... until they are convinced that NO ONE wants to know, and that it's NOT WORTH sharing their feelings and true selves with others - even those closest to them.

That isolated, dark, lonely place is where anxiety and depression thrive. 

Is that the kind of friend we want to be? Is that where we want to send our loved ones or that Mum at the school gate who just risked telling you she is overwhelmed??

We have a choice. We can take that moment and say "wow that sounds scary" or "goodness, what's that like for you?", or "how can I help?", or "me too". 

They are reaching out. Don't shut them down ... REACH back. 

Sarah xx