Dealing with shame

Last time I wrote about this. It's a familiar place, one I have been many times before.

I felt ashamed that I still fall into the same old trap … the one where I put a whole lot of energy into play-acting a part in the hope someone else will change. (Anything to avoid having to take responsibility right???)  J

I chose to sit in the very uncomfortable place of feeling and acknowledging my shame around my behaviour rather than running, avoiding, distracting, blaming, justifying ...

The trap is familiar to me, but the way I deal with it has changed. It had to: I was hurting my self-esteem and confidence because I wasjudging and shaming myself about my imperfections and mistakes. I wasn't being kind, and THAT wasn't teaching me anything useful!

These days I can be compassionate and kind to myself after I have fallen into the trap. I have learned to accept my darkness and my light with equal understanding and to know that I am (we are) all parts of the equation.

Harsh judgement and shaming are useless: they will not heal me, my children, my partner, my friends, the person in the street, the guy behind the cash register, the celebrity, the CEO, the Palestinians, the Israelis, the world’s governments. Judgement and shaming of others and ourselves can make us feel justified, right, powerful for a moment … but they don’t heal, or generate understanding, or encourage change, or support, they don’t nurture empathy or forgiveness or light.

So I’m choosing to be gentle and caring and accepting of my flaws, my messes, my dramas. I am sitting in the shame with understanding and compassion.

For me, it’s the best way … I’ve tried all the other options, and they don’t take me where I want to go.

What are your traps? How do you talk to and treat yourself after you've fallen into one of your traps? 

Sarah xx