She feels judged and scared

She shares her life with a man who reels in horror when she expresses feelings and emotions.   He wants the "nice" version of her, the one that is happy, content, delighted and attentive at all times. She is human, she can't offer that.

Her partner doesn't want her vulnerable and messy - he doesn't really want her honest either if the truth be known. He can't handle that in himself and he certainly can't bear it in her. He likes his image of her... his stable, capable, all-knowing, organised, in-control facade. He feels safe around that. He cannot handle the whole of her... just the good bits. 

When she shows him her fear, anger, sadness, insecurity, he seems disgusted. She finds herself anxiously struggling to hide away from him. She feels ashamed; she feels his approval slipping and she feels rejected. She also feels judged as not enough AND too much at the same time. She feels real terror ... she sees her perfect world unravelling. She steps back and repackages it all. It's too risky to be herself with this person. 

So she retreats into herself, pushing him away. She sits in the dark and reminds herself how dangerous it is to be all of who she is. She reprimands himself for letting the yucky bits show. In an attempt to cope, she returns to old patterns only to find that they no longer fit like they did before ... because something has changed. 

She started coming apart a few months ago ... and has been unravelling the facade ever since. She wants this to happen because she knows she can't go on as before. She is grateful for the journey because she feels closer to the authentic version of herself than ever before but it also feels like she is risking her relationship, her future. It's a toss up: stay as she was and feel like she was feeling or move towards her Self and risk losing him. 

She knows which one she wants. She is not sure how she will do it ... but she WILL do it. 

Sarah xx