He's scared of dying ...

He is anxious, terrified, filled with dread all the time. 

He is barely functioning on a day-to-day basis: for himself and his family. He feels nauseous all the time and can barely eat. He thinks about the idea that death would be a welcome alternative to how unbearable life is. He wakes up every morning and feels instantly anxious for the day that will unfold. 

He goes to sleep every night terrified of not being able to sleep, or to get back to sleep if he wakes up. He knows what he is talking about ... he's lain away for hours, stuck in his mind, his anxiety and fear racing away with him, sapping his will and reminding him that tomorrow is another day. Round and around it goes.

He can barely look at or connect with his children. He is disconnected from his partner and somehow it all feels better that way: disconnected almost seems easier to handle, less vulnerable, more distance from the rawness of loving someone, anyone. 

He is so terrified of dying that he has stopped living. 

He is paralysed, choked, castrated, he feels powerless, hopeless, helpless - and ALL the time anxious, like he is being chased by someone or something that he knows will catch up with him in the end.

He just wants the fear to stop. He wants to crush it, numb it, erradicate it however he can. He tries work, exercise, alcohol, medication, drugs, food, affairs, sleep, TV. Nothing seems to work, he can still feel the anxiety. 

So, what can he do? How is he to spend his time while he waits for the inevitable?? This is the biggest question for all of us. 

Should he spend it focusing in on his anxiety around the inevitable, living in the future, always looking behind him, trying to do things that prevent him from dying completely (ie things that will leave a little of him here when he is gone), or should he numb those feelings and thoughts that make life so unbearable? 

Or is there a way for him to face the idea of the inevitable and its associated anxiety WHILST he lives, here, in the moment, connected to himself, his loved ones, the planet, strangers, his broader family? Truly living.

The difference between the three (and there are probably more) options is choice.

What have you chosen?

Sarah xx